Self-Doubt

I have always had a bit of an issue with self-doubt.
I used to always think that I was on the brink of being fired at any job I have had (only to find out later that I was a good employee), and being that self-conscious all the time either made me incredibly meek and terrified to do anything wrong, or to over-compensate and act or pretend that I was doing a better job than in reality. 'Fake it 'til you make it' kind of an attitude. Of course there were definitely jobs I was NOT at ALL talented at, and it isn't just self-doubt telling me that. I was a pretty awful restaurant waitress. A drinks waitress I could handle, but add in food and I was a blundering mess.

Anyways -

Singing has always been an area where I have been a lot more confident. Starting young and competing young helped to build self-confidence in this area. From Kiwanis Festival competitions to auditions and getting lead parts in productions, singing on stage, singing for fundraisers, achieving high grades in University for vocal performance in a music undergrad degree, and continuing to be hired to sing for funerals and weddings over the past 17 years, have all contributed to better confidence.
With that said, there is always that nagging feeling. There has never been one song or one performance that I couldn't pinpoint at least 5 different ways I could have performed better. Even if I 'nail' a performance, I start to wonder if I should have taken more risks or changed it up or if I was too boring. Adding to all of that, there are ALWAYS going to be people that do not like your voice for whatever reason. Sometimes it comes down to mistakes, tone, register, quality, but other times it is just personal taste or style.

I think that my most 'successful' genre of music is actually spiritual. The quality of my voice seems to suit that genre more effectively, and singing for funerals has truly been the area in which I am most comfortable. Although I always make a few minor mistakes here and there (and a few major ones sprinkled in there), I am usually pretty confident with my singing at these tragic functions.
There have only been a handful of families who I thought were unhappy with the music... and only one recent one sticks out in my mind. I remember feeling especially nervous for it. I knew someone in the congregation and there were several musicians in that family (which is ALWAYS more nerve racking, since they will notice every little mistake). This particular function was the only recent one where I left without having any clue as to whether or not they were satisfied with the music.

Then, several months later, I was actually contacted directly by the family to provide music for another function. Turns out they were so thrilled with the music at the first function that they wanted to hire me again.

My point is - for people like me, there will always be self-doubt. I will always wonder if someone watching is hating it and telling others how awful I am. I will always notice little whispers among people in the audience with sneers on their faces and automatically think that it's about that tiny little mistake that I just made. The best thing is to ignore it, smile through it, and KNOW that you are, in fact, talented, and there will always be someone you can count on to build you up and also be truthful if something didn't sound quite right. And when you make a mistake or if something goes awry, you always have the opportunity to practice it and fix that error.

Music is a passtime that requires constant learning. Neverending improvements. Incessant practice.
It is SO worth it.

I love My Musical Life!