The Tortured Artist

I have always been drawn to any medium that makes me feel something.

When I feel sad, I listen to music that makes me even more sad. I watch depressing movies that make me cry. I read poetry and stories by Sylvia Plath or read novels about the horrors of war.

If I have done something wrong or I have made a mistake, I search out shows where characters make similar mistakes - not to make myself feel better, but to make myself feel worse.

I embrace the nightmares and the momentary paranoia. I look for those external representations of internal torture. Not because I am unhappy, angry, or sad, but because I think we all have little tiny parts of ourselves that are tortured in some way. Maybe it's grief that we have buried down and repressed to never release it. Perhaps it is guilt from past mistakes or thoughts that seem wrong. And maybe it's physical pain.

When I watch or listen to something that brings out sudden authentic emotion - I find that to be true artistry.
That is, in turn, what I also strive for.
I want my music and my performances to reach people so deeply that they feel something unexpected.

Although it sounds morbid, I want to be able to make people cry. Not because I am out of tune or sound scratchy, but because - somehow - the quality of my voice or the way that I express the lyrics or the change in dynamics suddenly brings out the tortured parts of another's soul.

If I can evoke any kind of emotion, I have succeeded. I want to reach others.

I love My Musical Life!