My Own Worst Critic

Apart from people who are supposed to judge music, I truly believe I am my own worst critic.
Even in University, even with an A grade I can still remember most of the errors I made. There was even a point where I made up German lyrics because I had forgotten the words for one line.
I have always been toughest on myself. I have no perfect youtube videos. I have never had a perfect performance. The happiest I have ever been with songs included one specific performance of the Canadian National Anthem at The Scotties Tournament of Hearts on TSN, singing Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen and If I Die Young by The Band Perry at a coffee shop, and singing AC/DC's Hell Ain't A Bad Place to Be and High Road Easy by Sass Jordan. Those performances were the closest I ever got to being perfectly happy.

Don't get me wrong - I am confident. I know what kind of talent that I have, but I also know that there is endless room for improvement.

I think my worst performances frankly had nothing to do with how I sounded. If my throat isn't working properly (either from being scratchy or from esophageal swelling due to HAE) my range suffers and my voice takes on a harsher quality than my regular vocals.
I think the worst I have ever felt about any performance has to be when I don't have the privilege of hearing what exactly is coming out the speakers. If I don't have a monitor, or the speakers near enough so that I can hear what's coming out of them, it is really hard to know how I am sounding.
Overall, vocals are easier to control, as long as I can hear them right in front of me. In the louder venues you can ONLY tell by how it feels in your vocal cords. It's a weird thing to be able to relay to someone or teach someone, but eventually you can learn to have a sense of what it feels like to sing specific notes. That takes practice and time and focus though... and you don't want to be doing that at an important gig.
So if I can't hear the keyboard, if I can't hear what my voice sounds like, AND my voice is scratchy (or feels that way), those are my worst performances. Plus, because I am on display and feeling so out of my element when things are going wrong, I tend to shake. My hands shake uncontrollably and I feel like my voice is shaky as well.

Luckily, I have family that tends to record some of the songs. Want to know what I love the most about these 'bad' gigs? When I hear what I sounded like to the audience and wind up being pleasantly surprised. Somehow, in the audience and in the video, you can't hear the scratch, the strain, the effort, the unusual difficulty of hitting the range, or the nervousness in my voice. You can't see or hear my hands shake, you can't tell that all I can think about is how awful I sound. It sounds normal. Like a normal day of singing.
And then I remember that I really am my own worst critic and I remind myself to relax a little next time.

I don't think I'll ever lose that self-scrutiny. It comes from the same place as knowing that there are always ways in which to improve.
I do, however, like seeing videos after-the-fact and thinking 'Wow, that sounds way better than I thought it did. Cool!!!'.

I think that is simply the life of an artist. Knowing you can always do better, trying to remain confident in your talent and your hard work, and scrutinizing every little tiny wavering detail.
Even with all of the questioning and worry, I still love My Musical Life!!